Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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