I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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