I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
