He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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