I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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