Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
