i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Someone signed my nipple.
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