Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
