New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize