You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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