Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Randomize
