So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize