he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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