Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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