I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
