i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
