I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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