For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
