I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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