he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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