I wish my penis had an off switch
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize