Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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