does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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