If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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