My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
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