hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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