i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
