What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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