I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
