Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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