I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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