My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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