Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
