Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
