My sheets look like a crime scene.
I will die if light touches me.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
