Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
