seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
