a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
