I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
