You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
