what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
