he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
