TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
