Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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