saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
