your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
