So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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