so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
