true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I see more hoeing in ur future
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