I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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