Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
