i don't plan on having that self control this summer
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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