1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
