guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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