I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
