I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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