Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
We don't watch enough power rangers
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
