Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
There r osticjed everywhere
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
