1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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