Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
