I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
